Not So Cute Couples Chapter ONe
by Tales From Maganas
Summary: When Princess Ivy looks to new castle staff, she instead finds herself falling head over heels in love with a sexy pirate from the south. Will she leave the kingdom to wandering across the sea or forever lose the chance to do something crazy and different with her life?


"C'mon George! We're almost at the next cave!" Princess Ivy called out to her frog buddy.

"I can only climb so fast, you have a rope, I have just my arms and legs. If I fall, I'd be falling strait to my death." Prince George explained.

"Ugh you're taking the fun out of this, I need a new spelunking partner."

"Go easy on me, not everyone is at your level. You're experienced and have been caving for years."

"Yea, you're right."

"Of course I'm right. So it's official. You no longer intend to get married?"

"Not yet anyway, I think the kingdom now realizes that I can be queen just fine with or without a husband."

"Good. I knew they would."

"Yea and I think having them watch The Princess Diaries 2 buttered them up a bit."

"A man is just going to cramp your style and get in the way of what you do."

"I couldn't agree more. Oh George! We're here. We just have to go through that hole and see what new world we've discovered."

"Ladies first."

Princess Ivy took a deep breath and climbed through the hole. When she looked up she was amazed. There was a hidden waterfall with living creatures bathing in it.

"Wow! It's so beautiful!" Princess Ivy said.

"It most definitely is." Prince George agreed.

"I want my next kiss to be here." Princess Ivy sighed.

"Is that an offer?" Prince George teased.

"You are one silly little frog." Princess Ivy kissed his head.

"Okay, promise me it won't be an orc hunter."

"I'd kiss an orc before I'd ever kiss another orc hunter again."

"Good. I was hoping you'd say that. No mermen either?"

"No orc hunters, mermen, journalists, and thankfully I never ever, ever have to kiss Prince Stephen again."

"I heard he wasn't a very good kisser."

"George, it was terrible. I was so afraid of being stuck with that for the rest of my life."

"Wow."

"Speaking of him, we gotta get back home. He and I are going to have slurpees this afternoon."

"Oh I see."

"It's so nice to finally get to be around him without all the pressure."

"Well I'm going on a date today."

"With who?"

"Princess Andi."

"Oh." Princess Ivy said in an annoyed tone.

"I know you don't like her, but she's actually a really sweet girl when you get to know her."

"I don't want to get to know her. I'm sickened at the very sight of her."

"I know. But think of all the guys you dated, there were many I didn't like but I kept my cool."

"Fine. I just gotta let you know, you're asking for trouble."

"I love trouble." Prince George smiled from ear to ear.

"You know, I've always secretly wanted a guy that's somewhat dangerous."

"That doesn't surprise me at all. All of your hobbies tend to be the one that could get you killed. You might as well date an axe murderer."

"It would definitely be a new thing for me."

"Absolutely not!"

"Name a time I was in a dangerous relationship."

"Sir Kevin."

"He was perfectly safe!"

"His jealous ex kidnapped you, threw you in a cave, and left the orcs to beat you to death. You're lucky to even be alive."

"If you put it that way, any guy can be dangerous."

"That's why I'd suggest you stay away from guys altogether."

"Uh…not gonna happen."

"Well it was worth the try to convince you."

When they got back to the castle, Princess Ivy ran up to her room to change clothes. Spelunking clothes cannot be worn while drinking a slurpee with your friend. Your JUST FRIEND. That would be so very tacky. At least it's tacky in the kingdom where Princess Ivy lives.

"JACKIE!" Princess Ivy called out, she thought maybe Jackie borrowed her slurpee drinking outfit. There was no answer. Princess Ivy figured that Jackie was probably in the kitchen with her mom. She ran down to the kitchen.

"JACKIE!" Princess Ivy called again. She spotted her brother, Prince Isaiah, staring sadly at the inside of the refrigerator.

"What are you so sad about?" Princess Ivy asked Prince Isaiah.

"There's so much good food in here and no one to cook it." Prince Isaiah explained.

"Where is Jackie's mom and the baker?"

"They're gone!" Prince Isaiah slammed the fridge closed, threw himself on the floor and cried a fit of horror.

"How can they be gone? My 21st birthday is tomorrow. Who's gonna bake my cake? Who's gonna feed my party guests?" Princess Ivy whined.

"Forget your party guests, this handsome prince is hungry and wants food now!"

"Make a sandwich or something. You know how to do at least that right?"

"I tried; the mustard just comes out way too fast. It's stressful for a wise leader like me to take on such a difficult task."

"Fine. I'll make you a sandwich then."

"Thank you, Sister! Remember, I like my bread toasted. I'll be in my room." Prince Isaiah ran upstairs. Princess Ivy sighed deeply and put two slices of bread in the toaster. She looked at the dial. It didn't say which end was what. She assumed left is off and right is on, so she turned it all the way right. Lucky for her, it turned on. _Cooking can't be that hard. I'll just bake my own cake and make sandwiches for my guests._ After a few minutes, someone threw a slurpee at her.

"You said you would meet me at 1:15 and now it's 1:27!" Prince Stephen walked in.

"Well excuse me, but I didn't think my kitchen staff would leave right before my birthday and I'd have to make my brother a stupid sandwich." Princess Ivy whined.

"Your toast is on fire." He smiled.

"ICE ICE ICE!" Princess Ivy shouted.

"But that's an electric toaster!"

"Got any better ideas?"

"No." Prince Stephen threw ice in the toaster and ducked. The toaster exploded but the fire stopped.

"I'm hopeless. This castle is going to fall apart." Princess Ivy cried.

"Don't say that, come on, let's go for a walk. I want to give you your birthday present today." Prince Stephen walked her out.

"You know this is nice to hang out and not have a million people watching us." Princess Ivy said.

"Yes it is."

"So I'm assuming you're not going back to Princess Andi."

"Ha, ha, no Mam. That was a onetime thing. Plus, she's convinced that she's the princess that will break Prince George's spell."

"I sure hope not. I don't really like her."

"Oh I know. Everyone knows."

"So what lucky girl do you have your eye on?"

"No one at the moment. Any suggestions?"

"Princess Ali just broke up with that leprechaun."

"Aw, why"

"He wasn't really a leprechaun, he wasn't really lucky, in fact, he wasn't even Irish."

"I could have guessed that."

"So would you be interested in her?"

"No, I really wouldn't."

"She's cute though."

"I know, she's very pretty but you and I both know mermaids tend to be very shallow."

" Sir Vegward was shallow, but Ali?"

"She fell in love with someone because she thought he was lucky and left him when she found out he wasn't."

"True. So that's not an option for you?"

"And probably never will be."

"Good to know."

"What about you, Princess? Any one catch your eye?"

"No, no, no, no, no, no. Men are nothing but trouble."

"Thanks a lot."

"You know it's true."

"It's true about you. I think you have some sort of boy disease."

"Probably."

"I think it's time I give you your birthday present."

"Oh thanks." Princess Ivy said. Prince Stephen pulled out a small wrapped box. When Princess Ivy opened it, it was a gold compass necklace with an ivory face.

"It's beautiful!" Princess Ivy hugged him.

"I know how much you love exploring but this compass will always lead you right back home, no matter how far you go." Prince Stephen explained.

"I didn't know you were capable of being so thoughtful."

"I think that's a compliment."

"It is. I would hang out longer but my life is falling apart and I gotta do something."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic. See you later." Prince Stephen said and they went their separate ways. When Princess Ivy got home, Prince George was waiting for her with a happy look on his face.

"I was going to wait and surprise you but I think I need to tell you ahead of time so you can prepare." Prince George said.

"Tell me what?"

"Have you ever had alcohol before?"

"No."

"I didn't think so. For your birthday I'm taking you to a saloon."

"I'm not sure my parents will let me."

"That's why we're not gonna tell them."

"No, that's a bad idea. Someone will see us and I'll get in trouble."

"Oh no one will know who you are where we're going."

"Where are we going?"

"The south side."

"Copple Village?"

"Nope. The WAAAAY south side."

"You don't mean the scary side where there are pirates and prisoners and giants?"

"Yes. That south side. Princess, it's gonna be so exciting! It's the danger you've always wanted. Who knows? You might meet a guy there."

"I'm scared of pirates."

"Don't be. They are just normal people except they have hooks for hands and pegs for legs."

"Nothing fermented has ever touched my lips."

"I know! We are going to have so much fun!"

"I'll stand out. They can break me like a twig."

"Well you have all day to make yourself look tougher. We will leave tomorrow after sundown. Here's a tin of tobacco. You have to walk in chewing it or they will see right through you."

"Well don't give it to me now! I'll be in big trouble if anyone finds me with this."

"But you have to practice, someone like you will get sick the first time."

"George, you are so very unpredictable."

"Do you like it?"

"I love it."

Princess Ivy went to go pick out her outfit for her birthday party.

"Lucy!" Princess Ivy called out. She went to the sewing room. Empty. Prince Isaac walked by.

"Where is Lucy, and the Calzadas and Alma? And now that I think of it the gardener, house keeper and butler and the rest of the castle staff are gone too." Princess Ivy stopped him.

"Why would I know? I've got nothing to hide!" Prince Isaac responded defensively.

"What's going on?"

"They went on strike."

"What? Why?"

"I'm sorry, if I knew that's what was gonna happen I wouldn't have done it."

"Isaac, what did you do?"

"I was just so tired and grumpy…"

"Isaac spit it out!"

"I whistled for the housekeeper."

"Like you would a dog?"

"I'm so sorry."

"Right before my birthday too. You hate me don't you?"

"I really didn't think they would all leave."

"That's it. You're making my birthday cake and making me a dress."

"I can't bake and you know darn well I can't sew!"

"Well what do you expect me to do?"

"Borrow one of Princess Andi's dresses, since she and George are going out. Have a baking party."

"Princess Andi wasn't even invited."

"Fine. Just wear one of your own dresses."

"Ugh, it looks like I don't have any other choice."

"Okay, well I shall be leaving then."

"No, you shall be doing what you can to get them back to working here."

"They won't come back until they're done making that play."

"What play?"

"As part of the strike they are going to showcase their talents through a play called 'Dr. Miserable and his Musical Tales of Misfortune'."

"This is starting to seem like America."

"No Sister, don't say that. This is no time to panic. We can just hire an all new staff."

"Where are we going to find an all new staff? After what you've started we'd be lucky if even someone from the south side came to work for us!" Princess Ivy said then paused for a minute.

"Okay, by the look on your face, you just got an idea so I'm going to leave." Prince Isaac left. Princess Ivy went to go find Prince George.

"George, it's almost sundown." Princess Ivy said.

"Yea I know but we're leaving tomorrow. What about your party?" Prince George asked.

"Forget about my party! It's obviously not going to happen."

"So you want to go now?"

"Yes."

"Okay but we gotta fix you up."

"How?"

"I know a place." Prince George hopped off and Princess Ivy followed him. He took her all the through the dark side of the woods where there was an ogre guarding a tree.

"She's with me." Prince George said.

"Come on in." The ogre opened the hollow tree door. Inside were some scary looking creatures of all shapes and sizes. A scary witch looking lady approached Prince George.

"George! How are you, my friend?" The witch said with an evil cackle.

"I am doing fine. My princess here, she's going to the south side." Prince George said.

"The south side? Oh honey, they are going to eat you up in one bite." The witch cackled again.

"Are you really a witch?" Princess Ivy asked.

"I'm a witch's wench. So basically, I'm better." The wench cackled.

"Do you cackle after every sentence?" Princess Ivy asked.

"Enough with all the questions, we need to give you a make under if you think you're going to the south side." The wench grabbed her hand and took her to a dark room. She looked around and pulled out a ratty old dress.

"Put this on." The wench said.

"Yes Mam." Princess Ivy said.

"Stop with all the 'Mam' crap." The wench raised her voice.

"ARRR!" Princess Ivy shouted loudly.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You better just keep your mouth shut while you're there."

"Okay."

"You're hair is just beautiful." The wench complimented.

"Oh thank you, I get it from my grandfather's side of the family."

"I thought I told you to shut the hell up?" The wench said then spit a loogie in Princess Ivy's hair, and then she added some dirt.

"What are you doing?" Princess Ivy gasped.

"No one would dare walk down the south side streets with fluffy hair. Now you need a nose ring."

"Do you have any falsies?"

"BAHAHAHAHA!" The wench fell apart in laughter rolling around on the floor.

"I don't like where this is going." Princess Ivy said with concern.

"South siders will burn you on a stake if they catch anyone with a falsie. Or even use the word falsie."

"Is…is…is…is it gonna hurt?"

"Of course it's gonna hurt. Now sit still." The wench tied her up to the chair so she wouldn't move.

"What if my parents find out?"

"Do you want to go to the south side or not?"

"Okay, please do it in the center cartilage of my nose that way my parents won't see the hole when I take out the ring."

"That's just gonna hurt more, but okay." The wench pulled out a big, sharp, thick needle. She got close to Princess Ivy.

"It's only gonna hurt for a minute right?" Princess Ivy asked.

"I don't know, they usually scream and pass out after I do piercings. Now stop talking." The wench said and stabbed the needle through Princess Ivy's nose. Princess Ivy screamed a shriek of terrible horror.

"You didn't miss her nose did you?" Prince George came storming in.

"She…could have missed my nose?" Princess Ivy asked still shocked by the pain.

"Eh, it's a 50/50 chance." The wench explained.

"I don't feel so well." Princess Ivy said.

"I'm not sure she'll pass. I think she needs some tattoos." The wench said.

"No, she'll be fine." Prince George started untying Princess Ivy.

"You still up to this?" Prince George whispered in Princess Ivy's ear.

"Of course."

"Good, because you don't have a choice. We are going to have fun tonight, and you're gonna like it." Prince George said and they both left.

"You look terrible. I think they might actually let you in the saloon." Prince George said with excitement.

"I've never looked terrible. You think I'm gonna meet someone dangerous tonight?" Princess Ivy asked.

"Everyone you meet is gonna be dangerous."

"What I mean is, do you think I'll meet a dangerous hottie?"

"I can assure you princess, no guy there is gonna be a hottie. They are creepy, dirty, drunk, hairy, stinky and scary."

"All of them?"

"As far as I know."

"I always imagined pirates being sexy, with loose shirts and one golden earring, gazing into the open sea."

"You have got a wild imagination, Princess."

They finally arrived to the saloon. Standing outside, stiff as a board was someone she had met before. A little garden gnome named Gary.

"Gary? Oh how are you my dear?" Princess Ivy ran up to him and hugged him.

"Who are you?" Gary asked.

"Princess Ivy."

"No you're not. You ugly."

"Oh that's right. I'm in disguise."

"Prove it."

"Daisy as been asking about you."

"SHE HAS?"

"No, but I told you it was really me!"

"Princess? Don't go in there. They will eat you alive."

"I'll be fine." Princess Ivy tried to go in.

"I'm the barhop. Seriously, I can't let you in."

"Why not?"

"You're not tough enough."

"I thought you found an old cottage to live at. What are you doing here?"

"They replaced me with a flamingo. Tragic, but truth be told all I really want to do is marry a garden fairy."

"I will find one for you if you let me in."

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I'll be fine. George will protect me."

"That wimpy frog?"

"Who are you calling a wimp?" Prince George popped out.

"Go on in." Gary said.

Prince George and Princess Ivy took a deep breath and went in. There were a bunch of crazy drunks singing and dancing and beating each other up with empty bottles of rum. It appeared to George that they were having a good old time. It appeared to the princess that they had nothing better to do.

"THERE'S A GIRL HERE!" A man shouted.

"Are you kidding me? Let me see!" Another man pushed through to see if it was true.

"NO! Take her to Red!" A slightly attractive pirate/leprechaun said.

"Excuse me, but I'd like not to be told what to do." Princess Ivy said firmly.

"Oooooo! She's from the north, I know it just by the way she talks." A giant peeked through the window then said.

"I mean….ARRRR!" Princess Ivy corrected herself.

"What's that thing on her shoulder?" The pirate/leprechaun asked.

"My name is Big G. And you are?" Prince George asked.

"My name's Chip." Chip said.

"Ahoy Chip!" Prince George shouted.

"Actually, it's Chip Ahoy." Chip corrected.

"Sorry about that." Prince George said.

"RED! Put Big G. in today's soup. Everyone enjoys a good frog now and then." Chip called out for Red.

"You are not going to cook, boil or bake my best friend!" Princess Ivy crossed her arms.

"Oh so you think you're just going to walk in all sassy telling us how things are going to be?" Chip asked in a threatening tone.

"TAKE HER TO RED!" The giant shouted.

"Who do you think you are?" Princess Ivy looked at the giant.

"My name is Little Man. I'm half giant, half dwarf." Little Man said.

"Take me to Red. If he's who is in charge around here." Princess Ivy said.

"Whoa, she's ASKING to go." A man looked at Chip with concern.

"Follow me." Chip said and walked off. Princess Ivy followed him feeling a little nervous but hiding it as best as she could. When she got to the back there was a VERY attractive pirate, smoking a pig. He turned around and examined Princess Ivy from head to toe.

"I thought maybe you could be shish ka bobbed. Looks like you're gonna have to be the stick we put the meat on you pretty little thing." Red said.

"You think I'm pretty?" Princess Ivy blushed. She immediately felt the chemicals reacting. She wasn't sure what was making her feel so attracted to him. Maybe it was the fact that she was so scared of him it was somehow…hot. Either way, her heart was pounding like crazy.

"Well I can tell you're a north sider, so you're a lot prettier than the women from around here. But don't get your hopes up sweetheart. I got my eye on someone else." Red said.

"Who?"

"Princess Ivy from the Magaña Kingdom."

"Hmmm….tell me about her."

"Well, I've never actually met her but she's so beautiful and funny and free spirited. In fact if there was any princess that would be crazy enough to come down here to the south side, I think it would be her."

"You're talking crazy again Red! Even if Princess Ivy did come down here, she would never fall for you!" Chip laughed.

"I have just as good of a chance as anyone." Red said confidently.

"Girls that are here on the south side, they go nuts for Red. They would do the craziest wildest thing you can think of just to spend two minutes with him, but if he tried to kiss a princess, he'd get arrested." Chip explained.

"I have kissed a princess. And I did get arrested." Red smiled, going back to that memory.

"Which princess did you kiss?"

"Princess Andi."

"Go figure. She kisses everyone. I hate her."

"You know her?"

"She's my girlfriend!" Prince George said excitedly. Red grabbed him then threw him in a pot.

"WAIT! Don't hurt him!" Princess Ivy begged.

"That frog just talked to me!" Red gasped.

"This is a magical fairy world. Don't tell me that's the only talking frog you've ever met." Princess Ivy said.

"Actually yes."

"I'm not a talking frog. I'm a prince, and I order you to get me out of this pot!" Prince George shouted.

"Why should I?" Red asked.

"You should because I know Princess Ivy, and if you let him go, you will be her next top chef." Princess Ivy said.

"What about my friends?" Red asked.

"They will all be part the castle staff."

"And…"

"And I'll give you a bottle of rum at the end of every month."

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!" All the pirates shouted with glee as they danced in a rather suspiciously rehearsed type of formation.

"Have some rum, Princess." Prince George offered.

"Princess?" Chip gasped.

"Gotta go!" Princess Ivy and Prince George ran out.


End file.
